What is your experience of love?
Do you think of your partner; your children; your mother; a friend?
Do you remember past hurts, current joys?
A while ago I wrote a blog entitled: It’s all about love or the lack thereof, I made reference to the 7 expressions the Ancient Greeks used to philosophise about. In this blog, I’ve decided to reflect more deeply on the subject.
Will you join me?
You can add your thoughts in the comment box below.
7 Expressions of Love
1. Storge
Storge literally means affection, and this term is used to describe the love between parents and children, children and their parents, and between exceptionally close friends. It denotes unconditional love between those with a strong affectionate bond between them.
Its a term used in conjunction with empathy, which means you can feel another’s plight. You can be alongside them through painful and joyous times. This doesn’t mean “putting up” with situations that cause you harm. Storge sometimes involves us letting others know clearly, how you experience the impact of their behaviour.
2. Eros
Eros is the root word for “erotic”. Its the name of the Greek god who fired “love arrows” known as Cupid by the Romans. Today, Eros is mostly associated with an intoxicated form of romantic love. The Ancient Greek’s had a broader definition. They described Eros as a feeling of blissful love, being lost in sensual pleasures, and the awakening of creative potential. Eros represented a connection to the fullness of life, clearly opposite to Thanatos, which is death.
Eros is the love energy of life. This exists within us from our birth to the grave. It’s the feeling you get as a baby from drinking warm milk and meeting the gaze in your loved one’s eyes. It’s the pleasure of cuddles and the wind caressing your skin.
It is the relaxed feeling of floating in the warm water and the joy of the sweet perfume of jasmine flowers.
Eros nourishes and restores balance, it is rejuvenating; life serving, expansive, peaceful, and joyous.
The thinking mind can easily become busy: pre-occupied with a mistrust of the world. This is how we disconnect from Eros and our sensory nature – a human tragedy. To maintain openness to this expression of love as young people and as adults, we must slow down, breathe calmly, focus and sense love in all that we see, hear, feel, taste, smell, and touch.
Eros is instinctive, emotional and sensual. It’s a heartfelt connection with each moment.
3. Philia
Philia, used literally in ancient Greek, describes the form of love between close friends: brotherly love, comradeship, solidarity. You feel delighted in each others company and have common interests. Interdependence exists. This means you support each other – are not dependent on each other.
Philia love grows steadily over time. It is a term used in the New Testament of the Bible to describe compassionate love between Christians and can be the underpinning for long-term relationships in the romantic sense.
The term “philia” is also a used as a compound term to describe “friend of a child” and “friend of the dead.” Sadly, “friend” Used in these contexts refer to those with the sickness of paedophilia and necrophilia.
We learn about friendship when we feel safe, confident and loved during childhood.
If instead of kindness and care, our need for love and connection, is met with actions that cause intense fear, confusion and/or early sexualisation the long-term damage can be devastating both to individuals and to society.
Are you experiencing healthy Philia in your relationships?
What do you appreciate about yourself and others in friendly relationships?
Have you ever experienced a situation when someone misread your friendship?
Are there some things about this aspect of your life that you would like to change?
How are you supporting your children with their friendships – with care, kindness, boundaries, trust?
4.Ludus
The translation of Ludus in Greek is “Loidoria,” which means “mockery, fun, comfort” Positively, this means playfulness. The other side of the coin is not always positive, it applies to teasing, lying, cheating, and deceiving.
In Latin Ludus translates as playing a game.
Children love to play; it’s in their very nature, and we are born with this capacity. We adults can learn from them. They play with ease and innocence, experimenting, role-playing, creating, and discovering. Their play is spontaneous, free from rules and from the worry of being right or wrong, winning or losing. Play is creativity in action.
It’s important to have a sense of fun and playfulness at home and at work. To play with our children in pre-schools and later in school. Also in our adult, romantic relationships and friendships; with playfulness arise affection, contact, and connection. We create bonds with each other and build trust.
How does play feature in your life at work and at home?
Have you had experiences of play that haven’t been much fun?
What are some of the ways you might be more playful in your life?
What can children teach you about the play?
What games do you play?
5. Philautia
Philautia relates to self-love. The Greeks recognized two types of Philautia:
Positive = High esteem, self-compassion. Identity.
Negative = Narcissistic, symbolises vanity, feeling superior to others, arrogant and egotistical.
The Greek God Narcissus, a hunter and of a river god, became so obsessed by his own reflection that he fell into a lake and drowned. Having esteem and a positive identity is not about being SO introspective you can’t see yourself. It’s about having self-awareness – self-love, a strong sense of your worth and purpose in the world. It’s not being selfish -it’s being “self-full” – mindful others, able to giving and receive compassionately.
If you experienced environments that were kind and loving, those that nourished your wellbeing, especially during your earliest years, it is likely that self-care and compassion are easier for you to practice, if the opposite is true, it may take some effort to re-connect to self-love. Philautia is absolutely fundamental to us being able to experience the fullness of love.
How is your self-worth?
What do you love and what do you hate?
What are your gifts, strengths, and talents – how are you sharing these?
How easy is it for you to be in partnership and collaboration with others, to hear others and work together?
How do you manage comments from others that you receive as critical?
Here is a questionnaire that you might find useful to assess your level of esteem
How are you supporting children to celebrate the qualities they express?
6. Pragma
Pragma in Greek means “the thing.” Pragmatic is the adjective of the noun Pragma, meaning realistic action. We might define Pragma love as mature, rational, deep, and understanding. It is the root term used for reality and comes from, and it is what we see and what we touch.
Pragma love may be applied to those who have been together in a marriage or partnership for many years and have been through many situations together and come through them with more wisdom. Their commitment to the love in the relationship is about giving as well as receiving. The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm said that we expend too much energy on “falling in love” and need to learn more how to “stand in love.” The photograph is of my grandparents who were pragmatic and loving to the end. They had 13 children together.
7. Agape
Agape in Ancient Greece was included in Eros. Christianity separated Agape from Eros and described it as an entity in itself, as a selfless form of love that can be extended to all people. Agape translated into Latin the word is “Caritas” which is the origin of the word charity. John Stott defines agape love as the sacrifice of self in the service of another. In other words, it is a voluntary giving of yourself. C.S. Lewis refers to it as “gift love” the highest form of Christian love. It also appears in other religious traditions, such as in the idea of mettā or “universal loving kindness” in Theravāda Buddhism.
Agape recognizes the human sameness between us, a oneness with each other. It evolves out of our innate capacity to feel each other’s plight, and also to move beyond this into compassionate, transcendent, spiritual love for all of life. Robert Krznark, an Australian cultural thinker passionate about raising levels of empathy in cultures says that there is “growing evidence that agape is in a dangerous decline in many countries.”
We have made incredible technological advances during this last decade – how much have we evolved emotionally, compassionately and spiritually?
We live in a world where there are those who can eat and those who starve, those who wear diamonds and those who are blown up for mining them.
How is Agape being expressed in your life?
We are witnessing a humanitarian crisis on a global scale – How are you feeling about this?
Love is personal, interpersonal, collective and spiritual, it is a journey to be explored and a mystery to be lived. In my experience, it is an amazingly wonderful and complex energy that grows within us and around us. It is the discovery of ourselves and the delight in recognition says, Alexander Smith. Victor Hugo says that “Life is a flower of which love is the honey.” I like this.
Monopoly on Love
None of us has a monopoly on what love is or about the way that it is expressed. We all learn and recognize that, in fact, the struggles we have in life and in the world are about love continually wanting to teach us about itself.
I first came across the 7 styles in a special Biodanza weekend workshop led by master teacher Carlos Garcia several years in France. I went to Paris specially for it. He made reference to the work of John Lee in his book The Colours of Love. I have used this material in some of my womens residential retreats, and it was a real eye-opener for women, the scales fell from their eyes!. I will be drawing from this again in my up-coming mixed workshop in February A Valentine Special – The Game of Love
Yes, many people have written about various definitions in their own way Gita, thanks for your comment. I have not read the Colours of Love this sounds interesting. Many words used in our own language have far expanding definition in the language of origin. Love is my absolute favourite study of all.
Understanding the seven types of expressions of love in relationships can truly enhance our connections with others. From acts of service to quality time, each expression plays a significant role in fostering strong and meaningful relationships. In my personal experience, I have found that Philautia, or self-love, is the foundation that enables us to give and receive love authentically. When we prioritize loving ourselves, we cultivate a sense of worth and compassion that naturally extends to those around us. This form of love empowers us to set boundaries, practice self-care, and ultimately become better partners and friends. Remember, by nurturing self-love, we pave the way for deeper and more fulfilling connections with others.
I totally agree Nancy, I appreciate your contribution here
Hi Nancy, thank you for your comments, which add more richness to this exploration of the many forms of love. I enjoy this quote by Aristotle who says, “all friendly feelings for others are an extension of man’s feelings for himself.” Man, in this context, of course, meaning person/human being 🙂 all sorts of experiences arise in life that can separate us from self love, this journey through life seems to be to return to heal and return to love, which is compassionate and no judgmental.