Mindfulness and embodiment can help us to cultivate self-empathy and self-compassion.
Christopher Germer – a clinical instructor in psychology at Harvard Medical School and a founding member of the Institute for Meditation and Psychotherapy says:
Mindful self-compassion is the foundation of emotional healing – being aware in the present moment when we’re struggling with feelings of inadequacy, despair, confusion, and other forms of stress (mindfulness) and responding with kindness and understanding (self-compassion).
How often do you put other people’s needs before your own?
I know, that you know, what it is like to put someone else needs before you own. We are trained to do it as children from our parents, teachers and those around us. As a child, we may not want to get dressed but we think we have to because our parents want us to and many of us are compliant. It may be that they needed ease and wanted to support us learning “how to behave” in society, for us to follow rules and be ‘good’ ‘quiet’ ‘polite’ etc but was that for our benefit and to meet our needs, or was it for our parents and their needs?
And, what would happen if we didn’t meet the needs of our parents, caregivers and teachers? Were we told we were bad, naughty, annoying, challenging or maybe we were physically punished by being placed in isolation or even smacked?
As a result, it became second nature for us to put other people’s needs before our own, meaning we might not even recognise when it has occurred.
So how do we find our way back to our own truth and needs? Luckily we have our body to help us out
When we are present with ourselves-when we quieten down our outer distractions and tune ourselves inward to notice what we notice, it may be that we find our bodies are communicating loud and clear about the things we didn’t like or didn’t want to do.
Are tensions in your body trying to tell you something?
Have you ever had a conversation with someone, walked away and noticed that your fists are in a tight ball with your nails digging into your palms? Or maybe you’ve walked off from a conversation and noticed your stomach was in knots?
Later, when you go over what was said, (what you said what they said) you realise that you didn’t like it. And maybe you spend the next couple of hours feeling annoyed with yourself because you didn’t speak up at the time, or struggled to hear their NO.
Stop beating yourself up
It is high time to stop beating yourself up, repeating old patterns that aren’t serving you, and love yourself fully for all that you are in this moment.
It is a sad truth that we have all kept quiet when we could have spoken out, allowed others to come first and spent hours berating ourselves, but we can stop that patterning and honour our own needs and values – put ourselves and our needs first.
Marshall Rosenberg says:
We need to receive empathy to give empathy.
How can NVC help us connect within to ensure we are cultivating self-empathy and self-compassion?
- Listen to your inner critic with curiosity.
- Understand that each critical statement is trying to tell you about what you truly value – what you long for.
- Receive your critic with warmth and care. The way you speak to yourself is born out of the experiences you have in life – messages from parents, teachers, generational hand me downs, idioms. Wherever these voices came from, however, they arrived and whenever they speak.
- Be willing to hear a NO from others
- Put your GIRAFFE EARS on.
Maybe you did something you regret and tell yourself you messed up. Maybe you wish you had done something differently and you tell yourself you’re stupid, not smart or clever.
An important aspect of self-compassion is to be able to empathically hold both parts of our selves–the self that regrets a past action and the self that took the action in the first place.– Marshall Rosenberg
Maybe you are telling yourself you are fat, you are ugly, not good enough, not lovable!
Hear the voices. Put your giraffe ears on.
It may be that you are upset and want understanding and care?
Perhaps it is that you are mourning because you can not give to others in the way you would like to?
It could be that you long for more learning to develop skills and competence?
Could it be possible that you need more self-care?
Be kind to that inner voice, accompany it and be curious about its message for you – it is there to let you know what you need NOW and maybe what you have needed many times.
Be kind to the tensions and any holding in your body too. Move with these tensions into the spaces.
Life is communicating within us all the time
The inner critic is doing its best to let you know what you need. Unfortunately, sometimes, its expression can have an unpleasant impact!
Listen and put your giraffe ears on.
Resources to help
Here is a definition that speaks to me of the difference between empathy and compassion. This is taken from a bigger article that you can find here
“Empathy is a gateway to compassion. It’s understanding how someone feels and trying to imagine how that might feel for you-it’s a mode of relating. Compassion takes it further.
Compassion is empathy in action, and your actions don’t have to be big or life-changing. Maybe you give a homeless man a poncho in the pouring rain, or maybe you give your full attention to someone who really needs to talk.
Compassion is all about realizing that we ultimately all want the same things out of life (love, safety, health, happiness) and responding in an appropriate way. With a little practice, we can all become more compassionate toward ourselves and others.”
Below are some resources I enjoy for self-empathy and self-compassion
Sarah Peyton – Self Empathy
Kirsten Neff – Self Compassion
Mark Walsh – Self Care Pose
Marshall Rosenberg Self-Empathy
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