Is feedback hard to hear? NVC can help
NVC (Nonviolent communication) can help us to communicate and relate in a more collaborative way. Imagine you take a job that you have the skills and experience for and after some time working within the organisation the feedback that you get, or that you hear, is that others want you to show up differently.
You have spent your whole life learning to show up as you are. The feedback is hard for you to hear and the words cut like a knife creating an inner spiral of thoughts about yourself and others – it reminds you of the way you were treated at school!
Maybe your inner dialogue is a bit like this:
Can I BE myself in this arena?
They think they are better than me?
What do they know about me?
I will not be cloned into their way– I’m me, doing this my way!
If they don’t like me, it’s their loss I will go somewhere else.
Your mind is busy, maybe even foggy and it’s difficult to hear what you are being told. Your inner voice is shouting: “they want me to be someone I’m not”
NVC can help you to respond, differently?
When we hear feedback as personal criticism, self-doubt, blame, upset, frustration and anxiety can easily be triggered. Imagine putting some giraffe ears on which open your heart to hear what they are saying in a different way. Instead of thinking in terms of self blame and criticism – who is right or wrong – Hear what they want. The ability to get out off our own way, requires a compassionate heart, willingness, courage and curiosity.
Giraffe as a metaphor
Dr Marshall Rosenberg (here in this picture), creator of nonviolent communication, used the giraffe metaphor to describe NVC- A Language for Life – because the giraffe has the largest heart and can see the whole landscape.
When we become a giraffe, we are keen to clarify the observation that triggered the other to feel a certain way and instead of analyzing and judging, we tune into what others feel, with the understanding that beneath every feeling is a need, a longing!
When there is clarity about this, solutions to problems that are satisfying to all are easier to find together. NVC can be applied in your personal and professional lives.
A comment to you from your boss might go something like this;
Boss: “You’re not relating to staff in the way I want you to”
Might translate (after some Giraffe enquiry and hearing) into:
“When you shared your ideas with the staff at the meeting, about improving customer engagement, I felt concerned, there wasn’t an invitation for them to contribute their ideas.”
Would you still hear this as a judgment?
It can take practice to hear the intentions and values beneath the words.
Giraffe is the way of empathy in dialogue, and it might go something like this:
You: “So you want all staff to have an opportunity to share their ideas about customer engagement? I’m guessing this is because you value inclusion, is this right?”
Boss: “Yes that’s right”
You: “Thanks for letting me know. I regret not inviting them to share their ideas too. I think one reason I didn’t do this was because I was concerned about how much time it might take to hear them all and I imagined it might have become quite chaotic with everyone sharing. I’m worried about facilitating this. Do you have some ideas you could share with me about how this might work?”
Boss: “Well I’m not sure exactly how this might work, this is why you are here. I’d just like you to ask them and give some time to hearing what they have to say. They have been working with me for many years and they have insight into the ways things work here, they understand what it is that our customers want”
You: “ You want me to hear their experiences, to pool what they have learnt – so that we find some actions for improving customer engagement collectively is this it?
Boss: Yes, this sounds great. I like your thinking around this.
You: For time and management efficiency, I’m wondering if I might speak to each person individually and then we come together again in a whole meeting, with a summary of all that has been shared and a starting point for further discussion and strategic planning what do you think?
Boss: Great. Let me know how it goes.
You: I feel excited and interested to learn. I’ll get back to you.
The intention is for a genuine connection
I’m not suggesting this example is a perfect way of communicating, I’m simply sharing the way that giraffe dialogue begins to unfold.
The intention of ‘putting on our giraffe ears‘ is for a heartfelt connection, and the principles behind it, are that everyone’s needs matter.
The four basic components of Dr Marshall Rosenberg’s NVC model help us to do this and consist of; the observations, feelings and needs being expressed and what strategies/requests might we agree on as a way to meet these needs.
So next time you feel unheard or hurt by what someone is saying or you want to communicate more effectively, put your giraffe ears on and listen to what happens.
To learn more about NVC you can sign up to my FREE webinar or join me on my next leadership programme to learn more about communication in the workplace!
[…] Put your GIRAFFE EARS on. […]