Some time ago, Jeff Monnery, interviewed me about what empathy is and why it is so important. Jeff is the founder of Spoken Out Stories, a video series about stories of people who lived a hard experience in their life, and found their way to move forward with courage, determination, and optimism.
You can read more about Jeff’s work and see the original article here https://www.monneryfilms.com/post/what-is-empathy-and-why-is-it-so-important-an-inspiring-interview
He asked me some interesting questions about empathy these are my responses below.
What does being empathetic mean and bring to you?
I believe that empathy is the gateway to taking compassionate action; it is essential for restoring wellbeing in society.
Being empathic means that I want to understand you, I care about what is important to you as well as what is important to me. My focus is on how you and I feel about what we are doing or what is happening in our lives
Empathy brings me self-acceptance and acceptance of others, beyond judging their actions as right or wrong. This doesn’t mean I agree with what someone does or says, it means that I accept that we humans make mistakes, cause harm, and feel pain as well as making life wonderful for each other.
What could cause a lack of empathy?
The development of empathy can be impacted by stressful experiences, trauma, and some psychological conditions.
Polarised views, beliefs and seeing each other as different can make it difficult to empathise.
We need to feel safe to connect empathically. Fear and anger releases biological chemicals that activates the stress response – to fight or flight – and this shuts off heartfelt social connection.
Not belonging to a group can get in the way of someone feeling empathy because we need each other to survive and thrive.
Empathy can also be difficult to access if you have fixed views about good and bad, and that good people need to be rewarded and bad people need to be punished, and some people deserve to be heard and others don’t.
There was a key time in my life when I believe, empathy could have made an incredible difference to me. I was 11 years old when my father died. It was very difficult time for me I was about to start secondary school, I didn’t want to go and so I truanted. When the head teacher found out, I was punished and finally expelled from the school. This added to my distress, I felt isolated and joined other children who were also not at school. I wonder how different it might have been for me, at this time if the head mistress had been empathic.
“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” ― Jane Nelsen
What do people need to know before trying to be more empathetic?
We need empathy before we can give empathy. The key relationships we have through the first 3 years of life are instrumental in laying the foundations for empathy. Human beings are born with an innate capacity to connect with others – this capacity needs to be met with loving kindness.
If a child’s or young adults needs have been inconsistently met, empathy can be affected.
Empathy usually develops during our early years.
“From early infancy, it appears that our ability to regulate emotional states, depends upon the experience of feeling that a significant person in our life is simultaneously experiencing a similar state of mind” – Daniel J. Siegel
We need each other to survive and thrive.
It is 18 – 24 months that young children can recognise (in the mirror) they are separate from others. They notice they look different and have their own thoughts and feelings. They may respond to someone’s upset by opening their arms to give a hug or fetching a cuddly toy for comfort or stand back. They instinctively mimic what has been done to them. This is empathy.
Understanding, another’s view of the world and being attuned to what another is feeling, and needing is more complex, this shows up around 4 or 5 years and continues to develop though life.
Empathy means, being able to hear another with a completely different view of the world than yours and to be present with someone you love expressing pain without being preoccupied with your own views and wanting to fix the situation.
Empathy is cognitive, which means understanding the perspective of another. Most importantly, it is emotional sensing the emotions being expressed by another, it’s about feeling with another. It’s compassionate, which involves taking action to support others.
“Empathy is a respectful understanding of what others are experiencing. Instead of offering empathy, we often have a strong urge to give advice or reassurance and to explain our own position or feeling. Empathy, however, calls upon us to empty our mind and listen to others with our whole being” – Dr Marshall Rosenberg
People need to feel safe within themselves to give and receive empathy.
Empathy means that all human needs matter.
What steps can people take to be more empathetic?
- Be well resourced with your own empathy tank full.
- Receive empathy education (understand what empathy is and what it isn’t).
- Practice listening to others to understand them not to give advice, tell to teach them or sharing your own story.
What habits can people practice to maintain empathy?
- Remember that empathy is a choice
- Be empathic to yourself
- Breathe, be present, be curious about what others are feeling and needing.
- Listen to understand versus listening to respond
- Recap what you hear is important to the person.
What tools would you recommend for people who want to learn more about empathy?
Here are a few references, there are so many more:
Complete an NVC Foundation Course, see www.nvc-uk.com and www.cnvc.or
Many teachings on Youtube:
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What empathy is and what it isn’t – Dr Marshall Rosenberg
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Nonviolent Communication A Language for Life – Dr Marshall Rosenberg
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What is empathy? – Brené Brown
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Empathy – Best speech of all time – Simon Sinek
- TED Empathic Civilisation – Jeremy Rifkin
Do you have any thoughts that you would like to share with me about this?
Martha says
So so thankful for this blog, Tracy. My mind runs backwards in time to my childhood, then to my own mothering and also ruminates over current grandparenting moments in regards to your bits on childhood development. Again – Thank you for taking the time to write this. 🙂
Tracy Seed says
Thanks for letting me know this Martha. Reading you I receive a warm connection with the relationships that matters to me in life.