Why do the same arguments keep happening?
We all face challenges, conflicts and ruptures in our relationships – it’s part of being human. But why do some arguments seem to trigger deeper pain or repeat in familiar, frustrating patterns?
One helpful way to understand these dynamics is through the lens of attachment styles — unconscious blueprints we develop early in life that shape how we relate to love, trust, and connection. These patterns may influence our coping strategies in adult relationships in ways we don’t always see — until conflict brings them to the surface.
It’s important to hold this insight with gentleness. While attachment theory offers valuable perspective, the goal isn’t to diagnose ourselves or others or to put anyone in a fixed box.
What are attachment styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating developed in early childhood, shaped by how our caregivers responded to our emotional and physical needs. Psychologists typically describe four main types: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised.
These styles influence how we experience closeness, trust, and vulnerability. While they served an important purpose early on, we often carry them into adulthood — sometimes in ways that create challenges in our most important relationships.
Why attachment styles matter in conflict:
A secure attachment allows us to feel authentic and comfortable in our own skin. It provides a stable sense of self and supports connection with others, while staying grounded and true to who we are.
In contrast, someone with an anxious attachment style may struggle with self-assurance, often needing reassurance and becoming preoccupied with the relationship — appearing clingy or fearful of abandonment.
An avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, tends to pull away from closeness, shutting down or creating distance in order to protect a sense of autonomy.
Someone with a disorganised attachment style may feel torn — both longing for closeness and fearing it — leading to unpredictable or confusing behaviours, especially during stress or conflict.
These anxious, avoidant, and disorganised patterns often create a painful cycle: one person may pursue connection while the other distances themselves, fuelling misunderstanding and deepening disconnection.
A typical anxious/avoidant conflict
Let’s look at an example:
Paolo (anxious attachment) feels hurt when Sara (avoidant attachment) doesn’t respond to texts quickly. Paolo becomes increasingly anxious, sending more messages and seeking reassurance. Sara, feeling overwhelmed, retreats further, needing space to breathe. The more Paolo reaches out, the more Sara pulls away.
Over time — after months or even years — something shifts. The person who once longed for closeness may begin to withdraw, while the one who needed space may suddenly crave connection.
The attachment flip:when roles reverse
Paolo, feeling constantly rejected, starts pulling away too. They tell themselves, “I’m done with this. I can’t keep chasing someone who won’t respond.” Meanwhile, Sara begins to feel anxious about losing the connection and starts texting more frequently, realising she’s scared of abandonment.
This unexpected flip can leave both partners disoriented and distressed. Sara might think, “I thought I was the one who needed space — why am I now the one craving closeness?”
These shifting dynamics often intensify the cycle of disconnection, making it even harder to find a way out.
At the heart of these behaviours are tragic expressions of unmet needs — attempts to find safety, belonging, or freedom, often masked by reactivity or withdrawal.
The power of awareness: how understanding attachment styles breaks the cycle
The first step toward breaking these cycles is awareness – when we can witness what’s happening in our behaviour—without judgment—we create space to choose a different response. Instead of reacting automatically, we begin to see the deeper needs, fears, and longings driving our actions.
Paolo and Sara might ask themselves:
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What’s really driving my behaviour right now?
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What need is beneath my anxiety or withdrawal?
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How can I express myself with care and honesty?
With awareness and connection with each other these patterns can shift from reacting defensively to responding with empathy. Instead of blaming or withdrawing, you can start to express your feelings with vulnerability.
How NVC can help: expressing vulnerability to foster connection
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a powerful relational and embodied approach for navigating these tender moments. It encourages us to stay present, connected, and open — even in the face of conflict.
NVC invites us to:
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Breathe and notice what’s happening emotionally — what sensations are present in the body.
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Pause and reflect on our feelings and needs before reacting.
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Receive each other empathically
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Express our needs without judgment or blame.
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Make requests that invite understanding and connection, rather than demands.
By staying curious about our own and others’ present-moment experience, we move beyond rigid labels and toward genuine empathy and choice.
Let’s return to our example:
Sara might say:
“When I don’t hear back from you, I feel a heaviness in my chest. I start to worry because our connection means a lot to me. I guess I need reassurance to feel secure in our relationship. Could we find a way to stay in touch that works for both of us?”
Paolo might respond:
“I notice I get overwhelmed when I receive a lot of messages. I feel my shoulders tense up, and I realise I need space to process. I really care about staying connected, and I’d love to find a rhythm that works for both of us.”
This kind of honest, compassionate dialogue can builds trust. Instead of reacting from fear, both partners begin responding from empathy and courage.
Healing the flip: awareness and growth
The beauty of understanding attachment styles is that it opens the door for healing. When both partners recognise their own patterns — whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised — they can co-create a more balanced and supportive dynamic.
NVC and self-empathy help shift us from reactivity to response. With practice, we learn to express our needs with honesty and tenderness, creating a relationship where both people feel safe and seen.
Over time, this can begin to heal old wounds — especially those formed in early childhood or previous relationships.
Reconnection is possible: a new way forward
Even after a rupture, reconnection is not only possible — it can deepen the bond. Repairing disconnection becomes a shared journey where both partners take responsibility for their needs and cultivate mutual understanding.
With patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, old attachment wounds can begin to soften — and a more resilient, authentic relationship can emerge.
Your next step:
If you’re curious to explore your own attachment dynamics and learn how to communicate from a place of vulnerability and empathy, consider joining one of my upcoming Nonviolent Communication workshops. Together, we’ll build the awareness and NVC practice to foster deeper connection and healing in your relationships. You can find out more [here].
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