Why do the same arguments keep happening?
We all experience challenges, conflicts, and ruptures in our relationships — it’s part of being human. Yet some arguments seem to touch deeper pain or repeat in familiar, frustrating patterns.
One way to understand these recurring dynamics is through attachment behaviours — unconscious blueprints formed in early life, shaped by how our caregivers responded to our emotional and physical needs. These early experiences influence how we relate to love, trust, and connection, and they often surface most clearly in moments of conflict.
It’s helpful to hold this insight with gentleness. Attachment theory isn’t about diagnosing ourselves or others, but about noticing patterns with curiosity and compassion.
Psychologists generally describe four main attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganised. Each reflects strategies that once helped us feel safe — and understanding them can open the door to deeper awareness and healing in our relationships.
Why awareness of attachment patterns matter in conflict:
A secure attachment allows us to feel authentic and comfortable in our own skin. It provides a stable sense of self and supports connection with others, while staying grounded and true to who we are.
In contrast, someone with an anxious attachment style may struggle with self-assurance, often needing reassurance and becoming preoccupied with the relationship — appearing clingy or fearful of abandonment.
An avoidant attachment style, on the other hand, tends to pull away from closeness, shutting down or creating distance in order to protect a sense of autonomy.
Someone with a disorganised attachment style may feel torn — both longing for closeness and fearing it — leading to unpredictable or confusing behaviours, especially during stress or conflict.
These anxious, avoidant, and disorganised patterns often create a painful cycle: one person may pursue connection while the other distances themselves, fuelling misunderstanding and deepening disconnection.
A typical anxious/avoidant conflict
Let’s look at an example:
Paolo (anxious attachment) feels hurt when Sara (avoidant attachment) doesn’t respond to texts quickly. Paolo becomes increasingly anxious, sending more messages and seeking reassurance. Sara, feeling overwhelmed, retreats further, needing space to breathe. The more Paolo reaches out, the more Sara pulls away.
Over time — after months or even years — something shifts. The person who once longed for closeness may begin to withdraw, while the one who needed space may suddenly crave connection.
The attachment flip:when roles reverse
Paolo, feeling constantly rejected, starts pulling away too. They tell themselves, “I’m done with this. I can’t keep chasing someone who won’t respond.” Meanwhile, Sara begins to feel anxious about losing the connection and starts texting more frequently, realising she’s scared of abandonment.
This unexpected flip can leave both partners disoriented and distressed. Sara might think, “I thought I was the one who needed space — why am I now the one craving closeness?”
These shifting dynamics often intensify the cycle of disconnection, making it even harder to find a way out.
At the heart of these behaviours are tragic expressions of unmet needs — attempts to find safety, belonging, or freedom, often masked by reactivity or withdrawal.
The power of awareness: how understanding attachment styles breaks the cycle
The first step toward breaking these cycles is awareness – when we can witness what’s happening in our behaviour—without judgment—we create space to choose a different response. Instead of reacting automatically, we begin to see the deeper needs, fears, and longings driving our actions.
Paolo and Sara might ask themselves:
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What’s really driving my behaviour right now?
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What need is beneath my anxiety or withdrawal?
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How can I express myself with care and honesty?
With awareness and connection with each other these patterns can shift from reacting defensively to responding with empathy. Instead of blaming or withdrawing, you can start to express your feelings with vulnerability.
How NVC can help: expressing vulnerability to foster connection
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a powerful relational and embodied approach for navigating these tender moments. It encourages us to stay present, connected, and open — even in the face of conflict.
NVC invites us to:
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Breathe and notice what’s happening emotionally — what sensations are present in the body.
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Pause and reflect on our feelings and needs before reacting.
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Receive each other empathically
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Express our needs without judgment or blame.
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Make requests that invite understanding and connection, rather than demands.
By staying curious about our own and others’ present-moment experience, we move beyond rigid labels and toward genuine empathy and choice.
Let’s return to our example:
Sara might say:
“When I don’t hear back from you, I feel a heaviness in my chest. I start to worry because our connection means a lot to me. I guess I need reassurance to feel secure in our relationship. Could we find a way to stay in touch that works for both of us?”
Paolo might respond:
“I notice I get overwhelmed when I receive a lot of messages. I feel my shoulders tense up, and I realise I need space to process. I really care about staying connected, and I’d love to find a rhythm that works for both of us.”
This kind of honest, compassionate dialogue can builds trust. Instead of reacting from fear, both partners begin responding from empathy and courage.
Healing the flip: awareness and growth
The beauty of understanding attachment styles is that it opens the door for healing. When both partners recognise their own patterns — whether anxious, avoidant, or disorganised — they can co-create a more balanced and supportive dynamic.
NVC and self-empathy help shift us from reactivity to response. With practice, we learn to express our needs with honesty and tenderness, creating a relationship where both people feel safe and seen.
Over time, this can begin to heal old wounds — especially those formed in early childhood or previous relationships.
Reconnection is possible: a new way forward
Even after a rupture, reconnection is not only possible — it can deepen the bond. Repairing disconnection becomes a shared journey where both partners take responsibility for their needs and cultivate mutual understanding.
With patience, empathy, and a commitment to growth, old attachment wounds can begin to soften — and a more resilient, authentic relationship can emerge.
Your next step:
If you’re curious to explore your own attachment dynamics and learn how to communicate from a place of vulnerability and empathy, consider joining one of my upcoming Nonviolent Communication workshops. Together, we’ll build the awareness and NVC practice to foster deeper connection and healing in your relationships. You can find out more [here].
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