Yesterday, I read on the internet about the passing of Phil Churchill, Management, marketing & PR consultant, coach, trainer & journalist.
Phil was someone I loved to have contact with he was full of heart, wise and passionate about his work. He was kind and had a fabulous sense humour. We met many years ago through work. I will miss his tweets, his linked in comments and his emails that arrived in my box every now and again!
Heartfelt condolences
I want to express my heartfelt condolences to Sue Churchill, Phil’s wife and his family.
I spoke to Phil earlier this year about my own losses, 4 members of my family died within an 18 month period: two brothers, an aunt and my mum. His response was empathic and we shared a little about life and illness and death.
When those we love pass, it takes a while to fully connect to the realization that they are not around in physical form anymore. It can be such a shock, followed by a lack of realism.
Grief and Loss
The first death that I experienced was my father’s, he died when I was just 11 years old. I used to dream that he was still around, just living with another family somewhere. It took me years to fully grieve this loss, this happened in my 20’s when I decided to work with a therapist for a while. During my adolescence, my unexpressed grief was the driver behind all sorts of experiences that were not always nourishing for my soul. I have many stories to tell, but will keep those for later!
The emotions that are triggered by the death, or any experience of separation from a loved one, are primal and can be overwhelming. Fear, anxiety, despair and anger are all common feelings.
“Adults could be said to wade through rivers of grief, for children their grief is more like jumping in and out of puddles. One minute a child maybe crying and upset, the next laughing and playing, this is normal.”(Worden J 1996)
Grief moves when we feel all of the emotions that arise. Gradually the stages of mourning unfold and we arrive at a new destination.
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a doctor who worked with terminally ill patients and studied the mystery of death, has written some wonderful books on this subject. She identifies 5 stages in the grieving process and there is no particular order on the way to acceptance!
Many people ask: “How long does it take?” My experience is that there is no time frame around grief! Even when children and adults seem to be “back to normal” they may have waves of emotion that come when they least expect it.
After my brother died, a friend said to me: “I don’t know what to say to you, because I haven’t experienced any deaths myself.” I heard her sadness and longing to connect with me in a way that would be most supportive, and also recognised how difficult it was for her to connect with me.
Sadly, it’s not unusual for people to find it difficult to support others experiencing pain – I’d love this to change!
When my father died, no one apart from my family spoke to me about it. I closed off a part of me that needed healing. And, my school was the least supportive environment, no teacher acknowledged how I might be feeling. I felt very alone. This was a long time ago and I’m happy to say that recently when my 13 year old, grandson broke down in his school after my mum and my brothers died, his teacher did speak with him.
I don’t think you need to have experienced grief, to support another, you simply need to appreciate that loss is painful.
So what is the magical remedy for grief and loss?
This award-winning documentary is a wonderful example of how a very special teacher: Toshiro Kanamorito, supports the children in his school with empathy and compassion, to share their stories of pain as well as celebrating joy – these emotions are two ends of the same pole. Children Full of Life, a fourth-grade class in a primary school in Kanazawa, northwest of Tokyo.
My thoughts return again now to Phil Churchill’s family and to all families who have lost someone that they loved dearly. I wish you well in the sweetness of your sorrow and compassion in your grief.
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