How to say No!

Do you say yes when you really mean no?

I’ve been thinking about this lately, ever since M told me he said yes to his brother moving in with him when he really wanted to say no. He told me he had to say yes because his brother had nowhere else to live. 

It can be tough to make a decision when there is conflict – M wants to support his brother who is homeless and at the same time he doesn’t want to lose the freedom and privacy he experiences living alone. He said yes to his brother and now feels resentful!

Did M have to say yes? Of course not, but there are some reasons why no would have been difficult for him.

There are many reasons why saying yes and learning to say no is difficult.

Are you curious?

Throughout my years as an NVC trainer and coach, delivering workshops to hundreds of people, I have seen many people struggle with how to say no, so you, I and M are not at all alone. There are many reasons that this is difficult, such as because; we may be worried, concerned, confused, want to be liked or have learned to put other people’s needs before our own.

One woman told me that her partner made all the decisions in their relationship, he is in prison now and she feels lost without him. She doesn’t know what shopping to buy, where to take the children on weekends, or even if she wants to go out or stay indoors.

Doing what others want us to do, can sometimes seem easier than facing anger or our own fear or guilt  

Many of us don’t enjoy hurting others and are afraid that not doing what another person wants will do exactly that.

What is the cost of overriding our own needs?

Overriding our own needs often leads us to feel stressed, anxious, overstretched and resentful. Knowing what you want and stating this, in some situations can take courage.

Developing literacy around human needs is essential – it means knowing when we need rest, comfort, support, ease, partnership, safety etc., and feeling confident that we can have these met.

Practice is essential and it’s good to start young, which is why I created my educational excursion to Sweden, for anyone interested in learning more about a culture of empathy in early years education there. Their motto is ‘freedom with responsibility’ with a high level of emotional intelligence, which encourages individuals to state their needs in a clear way.

Here are some tips that can help

• Get practice at saying no to others and yes to yourself. Some people around you may not like this, especially if they are used to you saying yes to them. You may lose some friends and if you do, you may like to ask yourself if they were friends worth having?
  
• Take your time to make decisions that are not so easy to make.
• Listen to yourself and notice the language your body speaks! Notice if you are tense, is your heart beating fast? Are you clenching your teeth etc? The body gives us wisdom when we give it the space to speak.
• You are in charge of what you choose – take bold decisions for your own wellbeing with empathic concern for others and prioritising what you truly value in life.
• Be honest with yourself and others, people appreciate this, especially when they know why you are choosing a certain course of action.

And as Reinhold Niebuhr said, remember to;

Accept the things I cannot change, have the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference

There is peace in acceptance, which is different from feeling comfortable!

• Be clear about what we value; check in with your own feelings and needs.
• Remember that needs never conflict – they co-exist it is the way we choose to meet those needs that cause conflict.
• When you say yes, mean it with all your heart and when you say no celebrate that you are saying YES to you!
  

When there is clarity you will feel more relaxed,  happier and have more energy too because you won’t be dealing with the inner conflict you experience when choices are not clear. 

And, if it’s not possible to find the positive in every yes and no – mourn!

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