“ Is it best to say goodbye to our child, instead of sneaking away when he plays happily in his childcare setting?”
This is the question that one mother posted in an online discussion.
“When we say goodbye he gets very upset and it takes him 5 or 10 minutes to settle. Whereas, when we sneak out we leave him playing happily and there seems little trauma in relation to our separation. He doesn’t seem to notice that we have left.
I want to know if us not saying goodbye is causing any other unmet needs. We worry he is anxious or nervous about us not coming back.
He generally seems pretty happy when we come back, but of course, I don’t know. Communicating with him about his needs at this point is not really possible as he is 18mths old.”
Does anyone have any advice on this?
My take on this is that separation anxiety and emotional distress are normal responses for securely attached children. This is, of course, upsetting for parents and carers alike.
The way BIG emotions are met during the early years, influences how children cope with emotional upsets later in life.
Having a routine of saying goodbye and then returning later, children gradually develop the neural connections for this pattern of transition.
They feel more and more secure upon departure because of the awareness that there will be a return.
Without saying goodbye, there’s no pattern developing and sneaking doesn’t work for long. At some point the child notices you leaving and BIG emotions happen right then for you to deal with.
Adults who support children’s strong emotions calmly with care and affection, let them know that it is OK to feel upset. Soothing children with the tone of your voice, words, embraces and connection with your eyes helps young children to feel safe. Explaining the situation throughout the process helps too. Children learn that crying is the appropriate response to something that hurts.
Most of us have no conscious memory of our infancy and we find it difficult to recall experiences before the age of around three years, but my study and experience tell me these experiences are encoded into our somatic memory.
In the big picture, learning about goodbye and hello again, and the tears in the small picture are a steppingstone to that. The neural nets that develop when we are small hold a prediction of how the world will be, a prediction that we carry on through the rest of our lives.” – Sarah Peyton and Bonnie Badenoch USA. (Bonnie Badenoch wrote ‘Being a Brain-wise Therapist).
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