A guide to honest communication.
Have you ever kept your mouth shut just to keep the peace? Or felt that your opinion didn’t matter. Or simply just ‘let things go’ to not have an argument?
This may happen at home, with friends and family, in the workplace or both.
How can you move from holding your tongue, to honest communication and telling people how you really feel?
Conflict is often a difficult thing and something we may try to avoid at all costs (with detrimental effects). Instead, you may want to face your fears to express what truly matters to you.
Our upbringing-how we were taught to deal with uncomfortable feelings (as well as, whether we have been taught the necessary skills to communicate clearly), can determine our responses, actions and how willing and able we are to stay connected to each other until a peaceful resolution is found.
What did you learn as a child about conflict?
It may be that you learnt to walk away from conflict and uncomfortable situations. Perhaps you came from a family that solved differences with physical actions like fighting? Maybe as a child, you froze with fear and didn’t know what to do? Sadly, there are few resources in our schools and community that teach children emotional education. With this in mind, if our parents were lacking (because they weren’t taught either) then we are left to figure things out for ourselves as best we can. This might lead to unresolved inner fears and narrow perceptions as adults.
Our perception is as unique as our lives. The way we perceive all that happens inside and outside is individual. There is a generality, of course. Without it, it would be very difficult for our conversations to flow easily. So generalised understanding of what we mean when we talk about a chair, the sky, food etc that is helpful. But when it comes to feelings, emotions and getting our needs met, it may not be as straight forward.
Perception is everything
Even though we may both be speaking the same language, we may not mean the same thing when we use words to express ourselves. Whilst we may not think we are being hurtful, violent, abusive, intimidating or undermining, for example, our words can come across to others in that way.
Marshall B Rosenburg identified a specific approach to communication, speaking and listening (which he called Nonviolent Communication). This approach leads us to give from the heart. It connects us with each other and ourselves in a way that allows natural compassion to flourish. This is why it has been particularly helpful within my career of teaching emotional education, NVC, empathy and movement and connection to hundreds of people. I have been able to provide them with the tools to authentic communication and expression.
NVC helps us to become present to the situation instead of acting from habitual automatic reactions
When we are present with ourselves, we are more tuned into how we are feeling and what thoughts we are thinking. From this empowered place, we are also more likely to know what our needs are and be able to articulate them in a way that is more likely to be heard by others. Also in return, with presence, we will be able to hear and have empathy for other people’s feelings and needs too.
The Four components of NVC are:
- Observation – noticing what is happening in a situation without judgment or evaluation
- Feeling – expressing how you feel when you observe the situation ie are we hurt, sad, joyful etc
- Needs – communicating what your needs and values are with regard to the situation
- Request – Making a specific request to meet your needs.
When we use this framework on ourselves and invite others to do the same we can improve the levels of communication and empathy.
Nonviolent communication is relevant to all situations in life – from family and friends to work colleagues. The four components provide a framework/container that helps us to express ourselves clearly, efficiently and effectively whilst nurturing empathy, compassion, and connection, which is vital in today’s world.
Would you like to learn effective tools for improved communication?
If you have difficulty expressing yourself and would like to develop mindsets and skills to help, or if you manage an environment that would benefit from anything you have read above, I would love to hear from you to see how I can help.
Nonviolent Communication helps us be honest without insulting people and to handle conflict with confidence.
You can learn more about the innovative courses I offer which combine over 25 years of experience on my website or contact me to discuss your needs further.
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