What is Anger?
According to the Collins online dictionary “Anger is the strong emotion that you feel when you think that someone has behaved in an unfair, cruel, or unacceptable way”.
Dealing with and knowing how to handle anger can be difficult, but anger is a part of the myriad of emotions and feelings that make us human and is natural and valid. However, how we manage those strong feelings when they arise in us and also how we communicate with each other in ways that minimise activating those strong feelings can be an issue.
I felt fear, followed by rage and incredible strength.
Looking back over my life and my own experiences of anger, I remember being a young girl in my teens. My mum was telling me I wasn’t allowed to go out for the evening with the boys from the estate. I felt angry, and as a consequence, I screamed, cried and kicked the door. This resulted in my mum telling me to go to my bedroom. I went, slamming the door behind me. In my room, I would toss and turn on my bed. I felt helpless and wanted to push if my mum tried to open the bedroom door.
In my adult years, I remember being with a teenage boy whose mum had been admitted to hospital. He wanted me to take him home to their house which I knew was empty. I said no and he pushed me, he screamed at the top of his voice and put his fist through the cupboard door.
Another time a client told me she was in a car with a friend whose husband was telling her that she had flirted with men at a party and accused her of wanting to sleep with them. She said, “This is ridiculous, of course, I don’t. I was having fun dancing and talking, that’s all.”
He was sitting in the back of the car, she was in the passenger seat and my client was driving. Suddenly, he punched her in the head. He also kicked the back of her seat furiously.
My client was shocked, her body started shaking and she told me “I felt fear, followed by rage and incredible strength that came over me to protect her”. She screamed, telling him to stop and to get out of the car, telling him she would report him to the police. He left.
These experiences shape how we respond to anger
Perhaps these experiences and curiosity about this emotion and many others drew me to Nonviolent Communication and finding ways in which we can communicate where all are heard and honoured.
As an NVC trainer the issue of anger and how to deal with it has come up hundreds of times during workshops and one to one sessions. Knowing how to handle anger is a valuable tool for life.
I have worked with numerous parents who have asked me what to do when their children have “meltdowns” meaning they feel so completely overwhelmed by unpleasant feelings they are not able to regulate or hide them from others. This can be scary for the individual and for those around them. Especially, if they hit out or pick up objects and throw them.
Rage is an extreme expression of anger, it is a young emotion without words. It is when the autonomic nervous system takes over and the rational mind is not able to operate at all. This emotion can trigger an aggressive instinct to protect ourselves and others. One teacher of mine told us – “first we need to be good animals” we need to master the instinct of the tiger, to access its power without harming.
When we befriend this incredible force we can connect with anger mentally with our words and be emotionally mindful in our expression. Rage, Anger, Frustration, and Irritation come to let us know that something needs to be addressed.
What do the ancients say?
What do the Greek philosophers say about anger?
Aristotle’s definition:
Let anger [orgê] be a desire, accompanied by pain, for a perceived revenge, on account of a perceived slight on the part of people who are not fit to slight one or one’s own.
A slight is a complex social event, and it requires a complex judgment to recognize it; among other things, one must be aware of social roles in order to know who is and is not fit to offer insult.
Befriending anger with Nonviolent Communication
It seems that there is some agreement with what Dr Marshall Rosenberg (creator of Nonviolent Communication) and Aristotle teach around Anger.
It is fuelled by our judgmental thinking about others. We are not saying it’s wrong to judge people, however, it is the judging of others that causes our anger. When we accompany our judgments compassionately, we discover what truly matters to us.
To express strong emotions when communicating what matters is essential for authentic relating.
I’ve heard some people say that those who practice NVC repress their anger, but this is not my experience. To express strong emotions while communicating clearly what matters is essential for authentic relating and knowing how to handle anger.
Some people may shy away from communicating when they are angry because they don’t want to cause harm to themselves and others. They don’t want to explode in a rage because of past triggers and so they may avoid the situation. This can lead to unexpressed feelings and needs. When we learn more about ourselves and the tools to help us stay present and engaged with uncomfortable situations we can respond nonviolently in the moment to what is directly happening before us.
Every emotion is valid
Every emotion is valid and so are the needs we have that are underlying our thinking about a situation. Uncovering these needs and navigating the terrain inside ourselves is what we work within NVC. We also work with how to express ourselves.
Anger is a very valuable feeling in NVC. It’s a wake- up call. It tells us that I’m thinking in ways almost guaranteed not to meet my needs. Why? Because my energy is not connected to my needs and I’m not even aware of what my needs are when I’m angry. – Dr Marshall Rosenberg
Learn More
If you would like to learn more about how to handle anger and express it without causing harm, you can join me in a befriending anger coaching session or at the next workshop when we explore:
- Self-regulation and co-regulation – empathy
- Nonverbal as well as verbal expressions
- The meaning of anger (underlying feelings and needs)
- How to express our needs with strong emotion.
- Saying “No” and communicating clear boundaries
- Being present in the face of other’s anger and know how to defuse the situation
Join us at the next workshop here.
If you missed this one, you may like to check my events here or go to these websites to find more events NVC-UK and CNVC-org
You may also be interested in this publication ‘The surprising purpose of anger’ written by Dr Marshall Rosenberg
If reading this blog has upset you and you would like support with Domestic Violence, be sure to get help as soon as possible. Here are some links for you to follow:
Do you have some tips and resources to share about how to handle anger?
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