Cultivate empathy and compassion
Have you ever made a commitment to stop doing something you consider unhelpful or unnourishing in a relationship only to find yourself slipping into old habits again and inevitably feeling disappointed with yourself – I have!
Set yourself realistic expectations for anything you plan to change and especially in relationships.
A good idea is to engage in authentic conversations about what feels appropriate and doable at the time. You can set an intention to come together again later, to discuss how it’s going and to deepen the awareness and exploration in the conversation too. So why would this be any different when relating to ourselves? And is there a way we can support ourselves so that we can accept exactly where we are, instead of experiencing regret just a few weeks after making a commitment to change?
In NVC we talk a lot about empathy and usually, we imagine this to be about empathy for another and putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, but what about self-empathy?
Empathy is the gateway to compassion
Self empathy is about connecting within and deeply listening for the response, giving ourselves space to be really honest about what’s going on for us. We are multi-faceted beings and we communicate on multiple levels all at once (even if we are now aware of it)
93% of communication is non-verbal
Dr Albert Mehrabian, the author of Silent Messages, conducted several studies on nonverbal communication. He found that 7% of any message is conveyed through words. 38% through certain vocal elements, and 55% through nonverbal elements (facial expressions, gestures, posture, etc). Subtracting the 7% for actual vocal content leaves one with the 93% statistic.
(Information from the Non-verbal group)
With that in mind when we communicate deeply with ourselves it would be wise to check in with all of our non-verbal clues too, such as how are we sitting or standing, or whether our shoulders are slumped, suggesting that we may be feeling like we are carrying a heavy load. It would also be useful to check our internal dialogue. Is it a similar conversation to what is being spoken outside of ourselves or are we telling the world that we are good when inside we are screaming?
Empathy and self-empathy are terms used in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) where we enquire into ‘what is alive in this moment?’
Practising Self-Empathy when setting goals
Practising self-empathy involves creating a space where you can be present with yourself. You can turn your attention inward and ask yourself 2 simple questions. This is especially useful when setting goals and intentions for yourself.
For instance, if you want to reduce the amount of coffee you drink, and you are finding yourself standing in your favourite coffee shop more than usual, you could take a seat and a deep breathe and ask yourself:
- What am I feeling?
- What am I needing?
The answers might be something like this, ‘I’m feeling stressed, needing comfort’, or ‘I’m feeling tired and needing rest’. In the moment of self-enquiry, you have created a gap large enough to tune into the needs.
Freedom to choose
Within the space between reaction and action, you have the freedom of choose. You can decide whether you want to tackle the issue of tiredness with coffee. Perhaps there is an opportunity to go home and nap or have a relaxing walk in the park instead? And possibly it might be that coffee is the appropriate choice for you in that moment.
NVC supports us to tune into ourselves and feel more confident with the choices we are making.Sometimes, of course, there are more complex reasons why it is difficult to adopt new behaviours. This might be because we formed beliefs long ago to protect ourselves and they run the show implicitly without us realising they exist, for example:
- Smoking because you tell yourself no one can tell you what to do, not even yourself;
- Taking on too much at work because, if you speak up about this you are fearful of getting hurt.
- Overeating because you tell yourself you will never be hungry again.
- Speaking so much because you have to tell people everything
Self-compassion CAN support us in healing past hurts and transforming the beliefs and the behaviours that no longer serve us.
[…] that what happened in the past is over. However whatever we do to help ourselves must be done with self-empathy and compassion if true healing is to take […]